Wednesday, February 05, 2014

{suddenly}

Wild Country by Wake Owl was playing on the radio. I turned it up so he'd be able to hear it through my winter jacket. It was 32 below and I'd forgotten to wear mittens. Barclay was driving; I was hunched over in the passenger seat wishing away red lights. It was 1:30 AM and I had a banana in my pocket in case I got hungry. We arrived, parked, picked our way across the ice, speaking in reverent whispers as though we were walking through a cathedral instead of a parking lot.

Every second and every step and every word felt strange because I knew that Something Big was about to happen and I knew that it would change everything and that I'd look back on those seconds and steps and words as Before.

We held hands, I caught my breath. I forgot, for a second, how to breathe it out again. We climbed the stairs instead of taking the elevator. Barclay held my head in his hands as we paused in the stairwell. I was smiling, but I was scared. My heart was pounding in my chest and I imagined the second, smaller one in my belly was doing the same. Did he know something was happening?

I didn't know what to say to the nurse at the front desk. I felt bewildered, even though I'd known this night was coming for months and months now. "Hi, Um." I chewed furiously on my bottom lip. "I think I'm going to have a baby."

And then the night melted away as though it were made of ice cubes and snow instead of minutes and hours. And then someone said he was coming, and then I heard him, and suddenly there was only one heart in my body. The other was being placed in my arms in the most perfect, tiny package I'd ever seen. And I cried.
 photo IMG_8303_zpsac82cb19.jpg  photo IMG_8299_zpsd4d348a2.jpg  photo IMG_8297_zps38d8dd58.jpg We've named him Sullivan Barclay Krause. He was born on Tuesday, January 21--one day early--at 7:39 AM.
 photo IMG_8482_zps9f71618e.png He's all tangled up in my heartstrings. His little face is still brand new, but already so familiar that I picture it instantly every time I shut my eyes. I'm beyond 'happy' or 'thankful'.

I'm somewhere without words.  photo IMG_8571_zpse6e9af0a.jpg  photo IMG_8568_zps88ebe9e4.jpg

46 comments:

Jen Glen said...

Yeah!!!! Good job finding the time to post. Hope you didn't give up a nap to do so! He's just as adorable in real life as in the pics. I can't wait to watch him grow and you two be parents. :)

NOVA said...

Look how interested his little face is in Barclay's big face! haha

sarahannnoel said...

I'm sitting here sobbing and I was trying to figure out what to write.
Because this is such a beautiful miracle and he's so completely perfect and you said all the things as I've never heard them described before.

I'm just so happy for you.

Lauren said...

Aww he's adorable, congratulations!

Caitlin said...

AHHHHH omg. I can't believe how beautiful you guys all are. I've been eagerly anticipating this post and of course you didn't disappoint :) He's so perfect. Congratulations.

Liv said...

Congratulations! I am so full of joy for all of you. xoxoxoxox

JTay said...

The way you say "and suddenly there was only one heart in my body" makes me tear up. Such a lovely, apt description of it all. And now the adventure of Sullivan Krause begins!

Emily V. said...

Congratulations Suzy & Barclay! :) He's adorable!! :)

Alycia said...

congratulations! he's beautiful!

Robin and Dale said...

These are precious memories and I'm glad you could share them! Congratulations and enjoy being a mom!

Anonymous said...

*blinks back tears* I AM SO HAPPY FOR YOU! HE IS BEAUTIFUL! And you, my dear, look radiant. I am so happy for you and Barclay, and so so happy that lil Sullivan has entered the world!

Haley said...

Great song, awesome writing.

claudyayrine said...

:''
{i'm here without words too}

Magical Daydream said...

Aaah congratulations! So happy for you guys. I know you are going to be a great mom (it somehow feels weird to say that, considering we aren't besties and well.. I haven't ever talked to you.. but still.. I do believe that). Enjoy the small moments and new adventures :)

the best part of my day... said...

He's absolutely perfect, Suzy.
Congratulations...

stephanie clara said...

Oh Suzy I'm so truly happy for you and Barclay!
And he's really beautiful.

Congratulations

stephanie

Suzy Krause said...

haha i actually did go without a nap yesterday morning. i just woke up itching to write something, and it overrode my need for sleep. even though i only got about 1.5 hours that night. oh that writing itch.
also: i just polished off yet another blueberry muffin. i can't stop. they are too amazing.

Suzy Krause said...

yeah, he's pretty fascinated by barclay. he can be screaming bloody murder and all barclay has to do is put his hand on sully's belly and he stops and just stares at him. it's magic.

Suzy Krause said...

thanks so much sarah. :) you're so so so sweet.

Suzy Krause said...

thanks lauren!!! :D

Suzy Krause said...

hahaha thank you! YOU'RE NEXT.
get pumped.

Suzy Krause said...

thanks so much liv! :D

Suzy Krause said...

the adventure of sullivan krause!
i'm excited. :)

Suzy Krause said...

thanks emily!!

Suzy Krause said...

thank you alycia!!! :D

Suzy Krause said...

thank you, i'm enjoying it quite a lot already, sleep deprivation and all! :)

Suzy Krause said...

thank you!!! we're pretty happy too. what a ride. :)

Suzy Krause said...

thanks haley. ;)

Suzy Krause said...

:)

Suzy Krause said...

you're so sweet. it's not weird. we've been blog friends for years now! haha, and thank you!

Suzy Krause said...

thank you! :)

Suzy Krause said...

thanks so much stephanie!! :)

Anonymous said...

I don't even know you really but I just feel like you're going to be the best parents ever. He's superb.

larisaa said...

Suzy, this is perfect. I am SO so happy for you three! THREE! He is so cute! I adore those pictures of him looking at Barclay. Precious. So incredibly precious. Congratulations again! <3 <3 <3

Brenda C. Boylan said...

Thank you for sharing this with all of us. He is wonderful and you look beautiful. Makes me miss the baby days some. Not the not sleep of course. Congratulations!

Ashlee said...

Best birth story, best pictures, best everything. My heart is full. You did it, momma. I am thrilled for you.

My Name is JACY said...

Oh my gosh! I just found you and I LOVED this. Thank you so much for sharing.... you are such a great writer! He is beautiful, as are you... time will fly. My little guy just turned 6 and it feels like just yesterday he was born. Enjoy every moment.

New here... so glad i stumbled on your blog :)

XO

Niken said...

oh suzy, i just open my mail a few minutes ago and i just read this feed!
congratulations for you and Barclay. he's just perfect. i could cry too. so so happy for you. what's his nickname?

Mama Milly said...

Congratulations! I am beyond happy for you and Barclay - Sullivan is totally sweet and adorable!

Suzy Krause said...

aw garsh, thanks suzy. :)

Suzy Krause said...

thank you!!!
yes. three. WIERD.

Suzy Krause said...

hahaha, yeah, i don't think i'll miss the not sleep either. but the rest of it is pretty incredible. :)

Suzy Krause said...

aw, ashlee. thank you. :)

Suzy Krause said...

thank you so much jacy! :) i'm totally enjoying the ride.

(i just looked down at him sleeping beside me. i can't picture him being SIX. yiikes!!! DON'T GROW UP, LITTLE BOY.)

Suzy Krause said...

thanks niken!!! his nickname...i call him sully sometimes! and stinky. :)

Suzy Krause said...

thank you!!! :)