{more so}

It's raining, and Sullivan is sleeping. I should be sleeping too, since I haven't slept for more than an hour in a row at all this week, day or night. But it's raining, and Sullivan is sleeping. It's probably a bad decision--I am the queen of those--but I just want to sit here by this open window and enjoy this weather and this music and even this weird brain fog. It all fits together so nicely, it would be a shame to waste it.

Yesterday, I saw a yellow leaf, and all at once it felt like summer was over, even though it's technically not yet. I smiled to myself. Last time this year was when I actually started feeling--and looking--pregnant. I'd spent the summer feeling sick and not telling anyone why. Moving to a new house and making plans. Mostly feeling nervous and silly because my pregnancy felt like a joke I was playing on myself. There was no evidence that a baby would ever sleep in the room I'd picked to be his nursery or wear the tiny sailboat cardigan I'd found.

And then suddenly, there were yellow leaves on the ground and tiny little baby kicks like Pop Rocks in my belly and everything felt crazy real. I was excited and terrified and so, so thankful.

I'm still feeling all of those things a year later. Just more so.

I hate winter, but I love fall. I'm ready for more days like this, sitting in a fog by the window listening to music and thinking about the past and the present and the future and sometimes nothing at all.